Content Warning: This is a series that follows my journey using art while going into recovery for alcoholism. So there will be mentions of alcohol-related thoughts and behaviors.
Once upon a time 32 days ago, I took my last drink. I took my last attempt to smother the rising pain the accumulated over time. Wow, living life one day at a time, and a short time at that which feels as if I had already lived several lifetimes between then and now.
I went from trying to solve my problems with my problems and if that isn’t insanity, I don’t want to find out what is. My ups were down, my downs went sideways, insides were confused with outsides, and forget about spiritual gravity. My hardest bottom was recognizing that there was no way out on my own, no way out to have any hope, and like the guard at the gate in the Wizard of Oz, ‘no way not no how’ was my mantra. Forget about climbing the metaphoric stairway to heaven, it was far easier to hide out in the darkest corners of my mind. Made perfect sense to me since I had accepted the truth as I knew it then, that I would always be seen as worthless to my family.
So I fell to my knees, crying and pleading to God to help me get through this pain as I couldn’t do this on my own anymore. Suddenly I felt His grace pour over me, my inner turmoil got quiet, and I was able to lift my head and see the dawn at last there in my darkest hour.
Taking one step at a time, I kept moving towards the Light of God, could breathe easier, and my faith grew more and more with each passing day. Miracles happened. Then even more miracles on top of those miracles. It kept me humble. Suddenly, I was at 30 days, the big 3-0, and couldn’t take any credit for it. God really had been doing for me what I could never do for myself. He helped me grow up. And continues to do so a little bit more each day.
My life is now one of service, to help other alcoholics and compulsive eaters. I’ve started to blossom, fully opening my heart to God and my fellow human beings, it’s a beautiful feeling.
Recently though, I had to let go of another layer of a character defect of fear. The need to be accepted and approved of by others. I took a humble moment and with guidance from God returned to writing affirmations as the approval and acceptance I have been craving all my life needed to come from myself for myself.
I am one with Su God. I love and approve of myself. I accept myself exactly as I am and I believe this!
Recovery programs are really programs recovering the lost self, it began with one small act of love by asking the God of my understanding to help me. I look forward to recovering more and more of myself each day and guide others to do the same.
Thy will be done, not mine! And so it is.