I’ve discovered that there is no end to anything, just a constant state of being.
Fall semester: a beginning
You see, beginnings I can believe in. But not endings. They are uncomfortable to deal with so I shall ignore them.
Today I walked across the black top and I imagined the word black top written in red pen across my eyes. Black top black top black top. That’s a really nice couple of words. It would sound good in a song or a poem.
Anyway, the sun was warm from the sky and from the ground. I sat alone on a bench under an aging tree (or did a tree stand over an aging human on a bench? I suppose both are true). A perfect and lovely breeze sewed it’s way through old summer leaves like thread through fabric. And I couldn’t help but feel immense peace and sorrow in one simultaneous breath.
For many semesters, I have struggled with chronic mental illness. School was just another flood of water on my mind- a mind which had become no stronger than the thinnest paper.
Today under the tree, I wrote some words on paper, feeling sure that my mind was no longer paper but perhaps something more durable, like a plastic water bottle (buried in a landfill but still very much existing). I wrote:
I would like this semester to be progressive and prolific. I have spent many years just trying to get by. I do not need to just survive anymore. I am capable of brilliance.
It saddens me that I am feeling motivated at the start of my last semester, as I have been so unmotivated for all this time. But it has been a battle to get here. There is no point in wishing for a better past. So here I lay these words down as a promise to myself. Make this semester good and full of life. Make art, work hard, and get ready. There’s a big world out there, and lots of people to impress/annoy with your crazy, stupid art.
Also: My crazy, stupid art will be on display during the month of September at eden-a vegan café in downtown Scranton. The opening reception is Friday, September 2nd, 2016 during First Friday Scranton (get a map here). The show is called Problem Child because that is what I am. 😀
above: self portrait